How to Make Relationships Work
Updated: Nov 14, 2021
What is it about relationships — intimate and others — that make them so challenging for us to enjoy long term and feel totally fulfilled?
I looked up the definition of relationship in The Collins Dictionary. It states:
Relationship: the state of being connected or related.
That explained little more than what I already knew. So I looked up the definition for “related”.
Related: having a mutual relation or connection
Okay I thought, maybe getting closer. What is it to have a “mutual relation?” I looked it up.
Relation: any connection, correspondence or association, which can be conceived as naturally existing between things.
Whilst each of these words has several other definitions, these define some pertinent points I discuss here about how relationships should work and how we can make them work free of the ongoing usual challenges we face.
The first thing I noted about the inter-relationship of these words is that a relation is something which naturally exists between things. A relation, therefore, exists between anything and anybody without differentiation — things just are. By virtue of it naturally existing, it implies, to me, that it does not require to be worked at or on, — it just is.
Combining the definitions of these three words, we could define a relationship as the state of being mutually related naturally. By this definition, as a relationship exists naturally between everything and everyone, we ought to experience this in an unconditional, non-discriminatory and mutual manner without needing or having to “work at it” — as we are told.
Okay, so you could say I am just playing with words, manipulating them to fit my point. Not at all. The following common relationship dynamics we experience, see and hear about daily show my reason for using this definition.
In applying my definition above to the problems we experience in our relationships, we can see that our challenges stem from us behaving contrary to the laws of us creating naturally existing relationships. Because, by its definition, a natural mutual relationship says nothing about:
exercising or having control over anything or anybody
being domineering and judgmental
having to compromise oneself for others
having to work at keeping things together
conditions having to be in place
anyone being greater or lesser than another, or anything else
discriminating between anybody or anything
exercising any rights over anybody or anything
expecting others to fulfil your needs
having the right to take from others
making others responsible for our welfare
… and more.
This definition best manifests itself in nature, where no two things are exactly the same — not even the petals of a flower. Everything is unique. But the togetherness of each creates the beauty of nature — like the different petals that create the beauty of the whole flower. Likewise, the flower is unique and unlike any other. When put together, they form a beautiful bunch regardless of whether they are of the same kind. The same applies equally to every other life form in nature. Every element is unique; combined, they make up the whole global beauty of our natural elements and resources. If every flower and all other elements were exactly the same, yes, it would create an uninteresting landscape.
As humans, we are the same as each petal of a flower. Unique individuals which, if we respected and accepted one another unconditionally, together we would manifest the beauty of the human species and experience each other’s beauty as we experience the beauty of nature.
One reason we claim as fact for our relationships not working naturally and perfectly is our belief that being human, we are imperfect. But what is the basis for this belief? What point of reference do we have of our “Perfection” to conclude that we are imperfect? Is it religious indoctrination; a human notion based on man’s history of destructive behaviour; or is it simply a belief we proclaim as a fact to justify our beliefs and behaviour? If we do not know the qualities for “Perfection,” how can we conclude we are imperfect? And if we know those qualities, then why are we not living up to them; why are we not living every moment aspiring to manifest our “Perfection?”
By considering, and seeing, ourselves as “imperfect,” we render ourselves deficient. This immediately triggers and gives rise to emotional needs and fears. And when there is need, there will be fear — the fear of not being good enough, not being acceptable, of not having, not achieving. These needs and fears prevent us from exercising free will to live and experience the life of purpose, fulfilment, peace, and contentment we inherently feel and desire most. That leads to the ongoing wars we engage in within ourselves daily and others around us as we strive to satisfy our emotional needs and fears — all triggered and driven by our MOULD. And this automatically results in us becoming the Takers we have become in life.
One of our fundamental objectives for doing things we do in our lives is to be accepted unconditionally, to get recognition which, ultimately, all translate to our feeling and being loved. Our doing and chasing, however, never seems to satisfy and fulfil our needs no matter what we achieve or how much we own and accumulate—enough is never enough.
The reasons for that is because we keep looking for what we already have within ourselves — but don’t accept it. We feel and believe that is not enough. We want more. We want what we see outside of ourselves, all the man-made "glittering gold" materialism that appeals to our human emotional needs, desires, lusts, ego and greed. All the things — emotional and material — we can never get enough of regardless of the cost to our well-being, that of others, or our world and planet.
Like a newborn child, we are born with all the love, happiness, joy, self-worth, confidence, peace and contentment we will ever need. It simply is What and Who We Are. We will not find these qualities anywhere or in anyone else; neither can anyone else give them to us. What this means is that we actually have no needs. The only thing blocking us from experiencing our greatness is our beliefs and feelings of being “not enough”—the root source of which is our MOULD.
If the needs we feel and experience are self-created perceptions and not real, that means we are and have been a complete Human Being from the beginning of time. And if we are complete, then we are whole; if we are whole, then we are perfect.
The long held belief, and notion, that humans are imperfect is a false reality. This belief is the root source of all our problems in life... and continues to drive our destructive mindset and behaviour.
To experience your perfection, you must accept responsibility that your MOULD is not real. It is something you have self-created and therefore have total control and power to un-create. The way to un-create and eliminate this from your life is to accept unconditionally that greater part of your Inner Self without judgement. By this I'm not referring to the external part of yourself you see in the mirror. I'm referring to that inner part of you that lives within your heart; the one that has so much to give unconditionally to life, mankind, and our world. That will empower you to exercise true free will to live your life liking what you do — fulfilling your life’s meaning and purpose. By this, you automatically become a Giver of yourself to everyone and everything, irrespective of culture, religion, gender, colour or creed.
Where two people get into a relationship as Givers, their relationship takes on a real purpose and meaning. The purpose of unconditionally accepting and supporting one another fulfil each one’s respective reason for Being, the meaning for their life. A relationship founded on this allows each person to conduct their lives independently of the other, yet creates an indescribable bond and sense of togetherness — at all levels — no matter what proximity they might be to one another. Should this point raise the question of such relationship being an unconditional consent for any potential infidelity, in fact it has the opposite effect. Because one has no emotional needs or ego to satisfy, they have no reason for sleeping around, partying, drinking, using drugs or partaking of any other form of destructive behaviour or infidelity.
In living from a point of perfection, love also takes on a far greater and profound meaning of togetherness. For example, sex is not a means used as reassurance of being loved, accepted, loyal, playing control games, and so on. As unconditional love exists without sexual involvement, making love and having sex in this kind of relationship expresses a sharing of unconditional acceptance by each partner to the other.
Two people in a relationship of unconditional acceptance of each other’s perfection will experience a relationship that is a state of being mutually related in a natural way.
Partners in such relationship will not need to work at it to keep it together. It will just work naturally.
If you are working at keeping your relationship together, chances are that it is not working naturally to its full potential.