Why do we Compromise? – the Payoffs and Reality
The virtues of compromise are considered and expounded to be essential qualities for creating win-win situations in order to enjoy good, healthy relationships – be they intimate, friendship, work, political or other. Compromise is said to demonstrate our sense of caring, love, understanding, willingness to accept another person’s point of view, allowing everyone the opportunity to win, unselfishness and other such good social personality qualities.
That means that if you do not compromise you will face the opposite. No healthy relationships. In fact, you are likely to be considered and labeled as self-righteous and arrogant, selfish, uncaring, self-centered and so on. Not a “very nice person”.
This could lead to you being considered socially unacceptable, shunned and rejected. Actions that could trigger your feelings and fears of being unwanted, not being part of, alone, unloved that might reinforce your feelings and belief of being not good enough.
There are people who adopt an attitude of show that they don’t care about what others think or say about them. They appear to be in total control of their life by doing and saying whatever they want. I have reason to believe however that this behavior is more of a mask, an escapism and coping mechanism to hide underlying emotional needs and fears, pain they don’t want to face up to and deal with. So it is much easier to act “macho” as that way they make themselves less vulnerable.
Most people however want to overcome their feelings and belief of being not good enough and for this they will compromise themselves by doing things that in their view will make them socially acceptable, wanted, needed, feel part of and belong, loved by family, friends, peers, work colleagues and society in general. These payoffs however come with a price. Expectations. When one compromises an expectation is created immediately – that of a payback. We want something in return … at some point. It is quite phenomenal in fact how we can hold on to and look for the payback of an expectation years into the future. Like for example, we will compromise ourselves in a job with the aim of getting recognition of promotion some years into the future; I am sure we have all experienced compromises in our relationships which have then held against our partner in some or other arguments or confrontations in the future. Though we may not necessarily intentionally set these expectations at the time of compromising, they are nevertheless there. And whenever we feel trapped or in some way rejected, judged and made to feel not good enough, we reach out for the payback we expect from having compromised.
The fundamental driving force for compromise therefore is the Payoffs we want in return in the form of feeling good about ourselves, being part of, accepted, loved and all these other wonderful feelings. All of which you hope will go towards overcoming and proving to yourself that in fact “I am good enough.”
But what is the reality?
Consider this. Would you, or anyone for that matter, willingly compromise yourself knowing that (a) you are foregoing or giving up on what you really want to do, and (b) your compromising would bring you no payoffs or paybacks or anything? The chances are that no one would because there would be no value for doing so.
Therefore, the fundamental reason one compromises is for no other reason than to satisfy one’s emotional needs. It is a “game” played in practically every aspect of our life. We see it in business, politics, religion, intimate relationships, and … and … and. We have come to know and consider this game as creating win-win situations. Which is actually rubbish because in the supposed win-win situations we create, you will invariably find one party being required to concede or give up more the other – especially in situations where one party in the negotiations has more power than the other. Like for example a large chain store engaging with a small supplier, a first world nation negotiating with a third world nation, an employer negotiating with a employee, a couple trying to make their relationship work.
If compromise is therefore an act for pure self gain, what does this say and demonstrate about our social beliefs of it being a virtues and essential quality for showing caring, compassion, love etc.? What it says and shows is that in fact it represents the complete opposite.
What compromise, in fact, actually represents and shows is that it is done for pure selfish, self-righteous, arrogant, uncaring, self-centered reasons which most certainly do not represent or show true love or caring?
True or real win-win situations can only be created by not compromising. To do that however one needs to be fully OK with themselves. That means and requires one to eliminate their feelings and belief of being not good enough – one’s MOULD. Eliminating the MOULD will result in the automatic unconditional acceptance of Self. This will allow you to practice the true love of self, caring of self, completeness of self, no feelings and belief of being not good enough. As a result, you will have no reason whatsoever to compromise
By living out of the love of self you will also by default or automatically see and accept everyone and everything else unconditionally – true Love.
Where two or more parties engage at this level each will be give of themselves fully to achieve a common objective without any requirement for compromising.
That will create true win-win situations.