5 Common Needs That Destroy Relationships
Updated: Nov 6
Do you ever think or say things like, “No matter how much or what I do, it is never enough.”
Have you ever reacted automatically from your emotions button being “pressed” then wished you could take things back because you hurt someone and you feel guilty?
What does it require to have great and loving long-lasting relationships?
To resolve any issues and challenges, you first need to identify and eliminate their source... and that may not be what you think – your partner
Let’s start the count down of the 5 beliefs.
NEED # 5 – YOUR EXPECTATIONS
How do you feel when your partner does not consider your desires and wishes, does not meet your expectations?
Many people may claim not to have expectations of their partners. Yet they get upset when things don’t happen the way they would like/expect.
Some of the reasons for you getting into intimate relationships is to experience love, caring, belonging, friendship, support, parenthood, etc. To fulfil your emotional desires and needs or overcome fears of being alone, not wanted, feeling “not good enough.” In other words, you are there because YOU WANT SOMETHING from the relationship – your partner. Your partner is equally likely be in the relationship for the same objective, TO GET SOMETHING from YOU. Both of you therefore have expectations that the other needs to satisfy. And as you may have experienced, provided your respective expectations are met, things go well. However, the moment that changes, issues and challenges begin to emerge.
That kick starts the game of BLAMING one another. This leads to the next need # 4
NEED # 4 – “WORK AT IT”
Are you “working on your relationship to make it work?”
That's what you have been told and are expected to do, right? “No pain – no gain” (no working at: no sex life). Relationships are about Giving and Taking. It is about having a 50/50 partnership. Wrong. A 50/50 partnership can only produce a 50% "working" relationship — a fundamental reason for break ups. To enjoy the benefits and value of a complete relationship, partners must GIVE 100% of themselves. Only a 100/100 partnership will result in a complete relationship.
If are “working at it,” you are likely to be compounding the problem because of need # 3 (below)
NEED # 3 – COMPROMISE
How often you / do you give up on what you really want and compromise to “keep the peace”, out of feeling guilty, because you believe you are “not good enough?”
Compromise is considered essential to make relationships work. But is it really? Why do you compromise? Mainly, to avoid the possible consequences you may have to face if you didn’t. Which means that your reason for COMPROMISING is really to satisfy your fears and emotional needs. If it wasn’t for that, it is unlikely you would compromise.
What you (likely) do not know, is that COMPROMISE actually is the source of your issues and challenges in your relationship/s... and many other parts of your life.
As compromise requires you to give up on what you really want, this leads you to need # 2
NEED # 2 – FREEDOM OF CHOICE (real)
“Would you really continue to do everything you are doing right now in your life IF you had absolute free choice to change without facing any adverse consequences?
The bottom line effect of compromise is giving up / foregoing exercising FREEDOM OF CHOICE for fear of the possible consequences you might face – guilt, rejection, feeling “not good enough” and so on. To avoid facing these, after duly considering all the possible consequence, you take a DECISION to do what is expected of you. As your DECISIONS are based on FEAR, you end up a VICTIM OF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES – the source of your frustrations, stress, depression, anxieties, etc.
The core driving force for your fears and compromise is to satisfy need # 1.
NEED # 1 – “I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH” ... the fundamental source of the problem
Conventional therapies and mentoring greatly trivialise the effects these feelings and beliefs have in one's life, in our relationships.
Whilst conventional therapy provides a “box of tools” for managing and changing one's mind set through mental re-programming these internalised beliefs, they do not identify and eliminate the underlying source. One's feelings of being "not good enough" represent only the tip of our emotional "iceberg;" the "visible" part triggered and that we experience in situations. The "box of tools" used, however, only deal with the “tip” of our problem, the top 10%. Whereas the real destructive force is a greater, underlying 90% we are not addressing and that one needs to identify and eliminate.
The solution for resolving relationship issues and challenges is only achieved addressing and eliminating the greater underlying 90% of our “iceberg.” It is that which triggers and drives our other 4 beliefs above (and many others).
unMOULDing yourself from the emotional needs fears triggered by feelings of being "not geed enough" will reshape YOUR life and resolve your relationship issues and challenges.
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