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©  Sergio Salotto 2018

How to Make Relationships Work

January 2, 1993

Before writing anything on this subject, I first looked up the definition of a relationship. The Collins Dictionary shows:

 

Relationship: the state of being connected or related.

 

As that does not seem to explain much about a relationship, I looked up the definition for "related".

 

Related: having a mutual relation or connection

 

Okay, maybe getting closer.

 

Relation: any connection, correspondence or association, which can be conceived as naturally existing between things.

 

Though each of these words have several other definitions, I have chosen these specific ones because I think they are rather pertinent for exploring my point about how to make relationships work.

 

The first thing I note about the inter-relationship of these words is that a relation is something which naturally exists between things. It does not differentiate between anything or anybody. Being natural by nature implies to me that it does not require working at, it just is – as a relationship should be. By combining the definitions of these three words, a relationship could be defined to mean: the state of being mutually related in a natural way. If a relationship was to exist naturally like this, then by this definition we ought to be able to enjoy a natural, non-discriminatory, unconditional, mutual relationship with anything and anybody. Okay, you could say I am just playing with words and manipulating them to satisfy my own objective. But that is far from my intention and objective. From what follows you might see why I use of this definition to describe or define a relationship.

 

Applying this definition as a means for analyzing the problems we experience in our relationships, this says nothing about such things as:

 

  • exercising or having control over anything or anybody

  • being domineering and judgmental

  • having to compromise oneself for the sake of others

  • having to work to keep things together

  • being conditional

  • being greater or lesser than someone else

  • discriminating between anything or anybody

  • having any rights to or over anything or anybody

  • expecting others to fulfil your needs

  • having the right to take from others

  • making others responsible for your welfare

 

Where this definition best manifests itself is probably in nature where no two things are exactly the same - not even the petals of a flower. Each is unique. Together they create the beauty of the flower as a whole. The flower is in turn unique and unlike any other. Put together they form a beautiful bunch regardless of whether or not they are of the same kind. Consider how it would be if every flower was exactly the same – yes, boring, uninteresting. Much like a vase of manmade artificial satin/plastic flowers.

 

What if humans were each like the petal of a flower? Unique individuals which, by "standing" together, could manifest the beauty of the human specie. If we are able to accept nature unconditionally for what it is, why are we not be able to unconditionally accept every person for who and what they are? And experience each other's beauty in the same manner as we experience the beauty of nature?

 

One of the reasons cited for our relationships not working naturally and perfectly is based on our belief that humans are imperfect. But what is imperfection? How do we measure it? What basis or point of reference do we have about perfection to conclude that we are imperfect? Is it religious faith, a human notion, man’s history of destructive behaviour, or is it simply a belief we are proclaiming and holding onto as a fact of human reality?

 

Without knowing what constitutes perfection, how do we conclude whether or not we are imperfect? By seeing and considering ourselves imperfect it makes us deficient and therefore in need. And where there is need there will be fearthe fear of not being good enough, not having, not achieving. Fears that block and prevent us from exercising any degree of real freedom of choice. If we do not exercise free choice, we cannot experience fulfilment, inner peace and contentment. That will result in us continuing to war both with ourselves and those around us in our need to fight for and take in order to fulfil our emotional needs - which are driven by our MOULD.

 

One of our fundamental objectives for everything we do in our life is to get recognition, unconditional acceptance, and, ultimately, love. Now, where do you think you will find all these things? There is only one source. Within yourself. You will not find them anywhere or from anyone else. Like a new born child, you are born with all the love, happiness, joy, self-worth, confidence, peace and contentment that you will ever need. What that means is that you actually have no needs, you already have everything you are looking for. The only thing blocking you from experiencing your greatness, are your feelings and belief driven by your MOULD. Except for that, you would have no needs. Which means, that if you have no needs, then you are and have been a complete human being from the beginning. And if you are complete, then you are also whole. If you are whole, then you are perfect.

 

The long held belief and notion that humans are imperfect is false. And this belief is the root source of all our problems ... and what continues to drive our destructive behaviour.

 

For you to experience your perfection, you must realise and accept responsibility that your MOULD is nothing more than a belief of your own creation and that you therefore have total control and the power to un-create it. The way to un-create and eliminate this from your life is to accept that you have no needs, that you are already complete, and accept yourself unconditionally without any form of judgement. That will enable you to live your life exercising true freedom of choice to live your life liking what you do - fulfilling your life purpose.  By this you become an automatic Giver to everyone and everything irrespective of culture, religion, gender, colour or creed – because you have no emotional needs to satisfy.

 

Where two people get into a relationship as Givers, the relationship takes on a completely different meaning. It now takes on a real purpose. The purpose of unconditionally accepting and supporting one another to fulfil each one's respective life purpose. A relationship created through this, allows each person to conduct their lives independently of the other yet at the same time, it achieves an indescribable bond and sense of togetherness - at all levels. In case this should raise the question of infidelity, the unity and independence created by such a relationship will not result in a free license for a partner to sleep around. If anything, it has the opposite effect because one has no emotional needs or ego to satisfy through sleep around, partying and getting drunk, using drugs or anything of that nature.

 

When coming from a point of perfection, love also takes on a far greater and profound meaning of togetherness. The need to use sex as a means for experiencing being loved and accepted does not exist. As uncon­ditional love can exist without sexual involvement, in such a relationship sex becomes an awesome expression of each partner’s self-love and of giving unconditionally and totally to their partner.

 

Two people in a relationship of unconditional acceptance of their own perfection will experience their relationship as a state of being mutually related in a natural way.

 

In such a relationship there will be no need to work at it to keep it together or going. It just works.

 

If you have to work at keeping your relationship together, the chances are that it is not really working to its true and natural potential. Chances therefore are that you are on rocky ground.

 

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